Advice from a friend.

I want to take a break from computers today. I was writing this morning and I realized that computers are such a small part of who I am, in fact, I don’t even consider myself very good with them. Instead, I’d like to turn this blog into a place I can explore myself - I’d like to share my thoughts, opinions, musings, passions, what I’m reading, how I feel - I’d like to explore who I am. Who am I? I’m still figuring it out.

It’s so funny how difficult it can be to put thoughts into words. To structure our internal expressions and reveal them, if only to ourselves. I had all these thoughts I wanted to put down, sentences I wanted to write - what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it… but when it came time to write, it felt like a candle going out. There are some vestiges left, words or feelings - impressions - on the tip of my tongue, as if I recall the place they used to be, but cannot recall exactly what they were - or are. So I’ll try my best.

Everything I do is to connect to other people. As far as I recall, it seems to me that I’ve always done things because I believe it to be expected of me. I crave connection, I crave approval, and if I can only do what you are doing, reflect your words or your actions, maybe, probably, you’ll like me - I’ll be approved of. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt other or apart from people in the past, but I feel it now, and I’m asking myself why.

My personality is to question everything. To inquire and to be sceptical. I consider it a blessing and a curse. It’s not easy, nor is it calming. I think that’s why I’m writing now. A quote that has stuck with me since I’ve heard it, a Sutra of Patanjali: “Yogas citta vritti nirodhah”. When translated it means “Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.” Yoga itself means union, unity; in this instance, I would translate it to peace. Indeed, peace comes from the completion of thoughts, ideas, and expressions. Likewise, the bible says “The lamp of the body is the eye. If, then, your eye is focused, your whole body will be bright.” (Matthew 6:22). I think of an object or person trying to move in multiple directions at once. To do so it would need to literally tear itself apart, I would need to tear myself apart. We can only move in one direction at a time, yet our minds process and record everything at once. I’ve concluded that only by manifesting my thoughts into physical words, can I truly (and competently) examine, then refine them. In so doing, create unity, peace for myself.

This isn’t exactly a spur of the moment thing, but a culmination of years of internal struggle, months of reflective journaling, and a desire to be the change I wish to see in myself. I’m in Paris at the moment. I love it here, I felt a connection to French and the French from the very moment I set foot in the country for the first time almost 5 years ago. I was reminded of that connection, and the desire to move here came so much more strongly now than it did then. A good friend counseled me against brash decisions and judgements (which I so dearly need), he said:

“We create the meaning of a place through our routines, activities, and the community we build, not because a particular place calls out to us… Right now, I feel it’s more important to focus on stability rather than the hassle of adapting to a new country and language in the global economic decline and constant rise in inflation. I think staying grounded and building on what we already have will give us a stronger foundation for the future.”

At first, I didn’t like this counsel. While I immediately agreed with all the points on a surface level, I felt a disconnect between myself and the meaning of the words. It had to do with life stage and maturity. I felt that as a 23 year old, finding my place in the world required or deserved some risk. As “free” as I may seem, I am quite risk-averse. I like to think and plan, and only act when I’m 100% sure of the outcome. I felt this risk was worth the reward and any potential pitfalls can be dealt with. Mostly, I didn’t want to hear counsel against how I felt. But I thought about it, and the longer I thought about it, the more wise the words became. I questioned myself, as I so often do these days, asking “what is it that I want?”

I want to feel like I belong. I realize that I also want to become someone else. I want to be someone more charismatic, more attractive and more charming. Someone quicker, smarter, and wittier. Someone more bold, more successful, more outgoing. Someone anyone would want to be around. I feel as if I may be blind to the fact that I am, at least in part, already all of these things. But usually I don’t feel like any of them, I don’t feel that I am enough. Of course, my friend is correct. Changing your surroundings accomplishes none of these things. It cannot change me into a different person. Who I am and how I feel will stay the same regardless of the place that I am in. True peace and unity - real change within myself - depends not on a time or place, but in the pattern that I create within my life. It belongs to the little details, the thoughts I choose to focus on, the words I choose to share, the actions that reveal who I am. Change belongs to the small hours of the morning, and the long hours of the night, day-in and day-out.

One of the first steps I want to take is to eliminate self-consciousness. And so I circle back to the reason why I’m writing this now, and will proceed to publish it for others to read - I don’t want to allow myself to be too nervous or too self-conscious to share my thoughts and opinions, to be myself - and so I won’t be those things. I choose not to be those things. I need these reminders to be myself, be genuine, and don’t worry what others may or may not think. And, to always remember - I am enough.

I may still move to Paris. I do so love it here. But I will do so knowing that who I am and who I wish to be isn’t dictated by my environment but by the actions I choose to take.