What's your favorite color.

Before sitting down (well, lying down) to write this, I started getting lost in the questions of the process. The Who, What, When, and most of all the How? I started thinking, “I should research how authors do this”, “maybe I should read some more examples before I get started”, and “I should Google how to research and write a book like this”. I want to write a book. I want to write several actually, I’ve been getting some good ideas and taking the time to write them down and store them. But this morning I was writing about the importance of choice, rather the importance in the act of choosing over the choice itself. And an idea presented itself, to realize this concept more fully, really learn it and expand on it, I should write about it. Immediately a title popped into my head and I wanted to write the book: “What’s your favorite color?”

Last night I was out with some friends and we briefly touched on the difference between my sister and I. The comment was made that I seem more sure of myself, more stable (not that my sister is unstable, but she is driven by her emotions). I thought the contrast between how I present to others and how I feel inside mildly amusing - I’m at a time in my life that doesn’t feel very stable. I’m extremely thankful that I have a stable job, some savings, and a decent life-balance - but I feel unstable because I have no idea where my life is heading, or where I want my life to go. It seems that what I want fluctuates from one day to the next. There are some ties to my confidence - one day I believe I can be and do anything, the next that I’m insignificant and unimpressive - but I think the problem lies more in the fact that I don’t know what I want.

As with most mornings of late, I’ve been writing down my thoughts on the matter. Two weeks ago I was so sure I wanted to study computer science in one of the top universities of the world. Last week I was certain I wanted to move to Paris as soon as possible. This week, I’m… indifferent? Unsure. So I wrote about it. I want to study, I want meet people who are driven and more connected than I am, I want to build an app, start a business, write a book, learn french, live in Paris. I want to make more money, afford a good lifestyle, and be financially independent. Where does the drive and confidence to do these things come from? When do I feel like I know what I should do and how to do it? How do I know what I’m doing is good? I think the answer, at least in part, is never. There is never a perfect time to do something, and there is never a perfect thing to do. Successful people are the ones that don’t overthink everything, they act and do their best to make their dream a reality. They make their own space in the world.

Part of my problem is trying to do everything good and be good at everything. I see it with my family - my mom, sister, and myself always trying to please everyone. I saw it in my last relationship - I tried to balance falling in with falling out of love. I wanted to be sure that whatever happened, whether the relationship lasted or ended, neither of us would be hurt in the end. I was trying to control both outcomes, but by trying to prevent a thing I caused it instead. I drew away to prevent either side getting too attached too quickly, and possibly getting hurt. That was foolish of me, and I’m sorry for it. I needed to commit myself fully, and trust her to do the same. This flaw was even pointed out to me over a game of Catan as well. My strategy was to collect everything, be good at everything, so I would be prepared for anything. Of course, a jack of all trades is a master of none. While I didn’t do terrible, I could never win with that strategy. By trying to work for the best of both worlds - by trying to play the cards in such a way that no matter which way they fall I end up on top - I’m not really working for anything.

What can I do about this? The first thing that came to mind in my personal life, and something I feel is important for me, is to be better at committing myself. I have a hard time saying yes or no to people and plans. Especially if they involve some date in the future. I don’t know how I will feel or what I’ll be doing in a week, let alone next month, so I leave myself little outs and make noncommittal promises. Instead, I want to commit, for myself, using direct and straightforward language, and always follow through with my commitments. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it, no matter what.

The next thing I plan to do is to write out all the general ideas I have about the future. Everything I want to do or be, things I’ve thought about in the past, and options that are now open to me - as much as I can. I need to organize these thoughts and ideas into something I can use to make a strong decision. By comparing different options, seeing what resources they may take, and what commitments are required of me, I will get a better idea of which way I lean in the decision. Then, practicing my commitment, I need to choose something, and stick to my choice. My choice isn’t all I want in the world, or how to make the most money, or to get somewhere as fast as possible, or because it’s what everyone else is doing, or it’s objectively the best. There is no best or perfect choice, so mine can't be either. It’ll probably be a combination of all the things above. But it will be mine, and that's important.

I’m reminded of a thought I had on colors recently. I moved to Vancouver about 6 months ago, and when meeting new people for the first time I found myself getting asked “What's your favorite color?” a lot. I always thought it was a silly question, I don’t know what my favorite color is. And it is silly, in a good way! It’s light, fun, and playful. But I overthink the question, and if you were to ask me a few months ago I would get lost in the ifs and buts, probably say all of them, talk about rainbows and refraction, a beautiful sunset, gradients, variety, and how cool the infinite within the finite is. And I still love conceptualizing that, but it doesn’t answer the question, and it doesn’t provide a practical vehicle for forward momentum and action. I realized that it doesn’t matter which color I chose as my favorite. It was the act of choosing a color that was important. The decision itself is arbitrary, but the ability to make a decision and follow through with your decisions is a vital part of life.

So I circle back and ask you “What’s your favorite color?” Don’t think about it too much, just shout the first color that pops into your head. It’s good to be silly and playful sometimes, to decide, and to move forward, even if you’re not sure of something. I think it’s an important question to ask, and an even more important skill to develop. Making decisions is a skill that I’ve only just started to learn. This post is one of my first steps, and I want to write more. There will come a time for research and further planning, reviews and edits, but I don’t want to get lost or overwhelmed by the scope of all that - right now I just need to write. Through writing, I’m learning so much about myself, and it’s something I want to share with others - maybe it’ll help someone along the way.